Valentine Thoughts

Love.

That’s what it’s all about isn’t it? Of course, having been married for nearly 35 years, my husband and I don’t really ‘do’ Valentine’s Day anymore. But we do still do love one another. In fact, we love each other more today than we did on the day we said “I do.”

I’m not going to attempt a definition of love or ask AI to provide one. You can do that yourself if you so desire. I’m just expressing my thoughts from 58 years’ experience of love. Love is the primary component of humanity. I believe that it is what makes us human. I dare say that love came into existence at the same time as the human race. Love is universal across all demographics. Although love is within each of us, there are many, perhaps countless, different expressions of love.

When we are born, we immediately know love in the arms of our mother. Some might say that a newborn baby cannot reciprocate that love, but I don’t agree. I have two (grownup) children who, from the moment they were born, loved me. The bond was already there from the womb and they knew exactly what to do. Love is innate.

And then there’s love at the other end of life. Grief is love unfinished. I have already written about this; you can read it here https://talkingyorkie.wales/?p=220 and here https://talkingyorkie.wales/?p=234

There’s a couple of terms that have become quite popular in modern society: Galentine and Bromance. Yes, they are fun words but they actually speak of something profound. I have some very special friends (you know who you are!) who I love deeply and who love me in the same way. They love me just the way I am and are always there for me. I heard it said that friends are the family you choose with your heart. It’s true.

What about love for non-human things? I’m open to suggestions here but I do have a few thoughts on this. You may well have heard me say, “I love working on the allotment / walking in nature / seeing birds and other wildlife / writing / prosecco…” But it’s not the same as my love for people. (Note that I didn’t say that I love singing in the choir. I do love singing but I also love the people with whom I sing). We don’t say we have love for nature, running, literature, historic buildings, music, traveling and so on. We say we have a love of these things. I think this demonstrates an important difference here. We don’t love these things in the same way that we love people. In fact, I’m not sure it is love at all; it’s more like deep appreciation.

Our pets are not human, but I think this is where the perimeters become a bit blurred. When we were kids, we had a pet dog, Whiskey. Although he was the family pet, he was my dog. He didn’t judge me when I was in a bad mood. He never passed on the secrets that I told him. He was always pleased to see me and he was loyal. We had a real connection and when he died, I grieved. I’m pretty sure that was love. I mean, I don’t know if he loved me. I don’t know if dogs (or other mammals) are capable of love in the same way that humans love. But he knew me and was always there for me. Before we leave the subject of love for pets, I’m not sure that I would feel the same way about a non-mammal pet. I don’t think I would have a connection with a snake or an insect. We had goldfish too when we were kids. Dad won them at the fair for us and when they died (I can remember the way they used to float to the top of the bowl) Dad would just flush them down the toilet. I didn’t grieve. Perhaps someone reading this may have a different experience.

Then there’s love in marriage. I have already told you that my husband and I have been married for nearly 35 years (which I believe will be our Coral Anniversary). Love in marriage is unique. On that day in 1991 we vowed to love one another “for better, for worse and in sickness and health.” We’ve been through some stuff these past 35 years. In fact, even as I am writing this, Mr H. is loving me “in sickness.” At this point my thoughts are turning to a dear couple who, before they left this world, were married for 70 years – twice as long as we have been married. Meirion used to call Freda, “My lovely girl” and I can say with confidence that they loved one another to the very end.

But how did they do it? I think Dr Gary Chapman might have the answer, which he describes in his book The 5 Love Languages. (If you are married or would like to marry, I strongly recommend reading it). Chapman says that the “in love” phase, often described as an emotional, obsessive, and euphoric experience, only lasts for an average of two years. With the huge commercialisation of Valentine’s Day, I’m pretty sure that it is the “in love” phase that is being promoted. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s lovely and there’s nothing wrong with it. I’m probably going to head over to Lidl to buy their Deluxe Scottish salmon fillets with 2 cute heart-shaped pats of Prosecco and pink peppercorn butter. But it’s not the fuzzy, lightheadedness that will keep a marriage strong, and growing ever stronger, until “death do us part” because those feelings are fleeting and won’t bear up under pressure. According to Chapman, we must make a conscious decision, and sustained effort to learn, and speak our spouse’s love language. When you find The One, I promise you, they will be worth the effort.

I am sure that by this point in my ramblings, some of you will be recalling times when you were hurt by love. OK, so let’s not pretend this doesn’t happen. There are lots of ways that people can be hurt by love, by the people we love and trust and by people who we believe love us. It could be a parent, spouse, friend or someone who you look up to, who should never hurt you. Words like betrayal might be in your mind. I’ve been there. It cuts deeply and can even leave you not wanting to risk loving again. But human beings are flawed creatures who can go wrong and hurt you. Allow me a few words to tell you about a love that will never fail you.

The most well known verse in the Bible is John 3:16: “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” The love of God is eternal and is offered to the whole of humanity. You can love God, being wholly confident that he will never take his love from you, fail you or betray you. And because God lives outside of time, you can also be assured that his love will last beyond this life on Earth, so you need not fear tomorrow. I am glad that I personally know the love of Father God and have that assurance.

Whatever your experience of love, whether you love and are loved by many people or few, we all have love inside of us and we all need to love others. So, I will end with the words of Annie Lennox,

“Every single one of us needs
Love, love, love
Everybody needs to give and receive love
Every single day can drag us
Down, down, down
But there’s nothing left to fear
When love gets into town”

It’s true.

Happy Valentine’s Day,

Love Sharon x

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